Hello, hello my pack!
Today’s Wednesday Writings is going to be super long. It is a short story I wrote for class a few years ago. It is about two teenagers who come from troubled homes and they think suicide is their only option at escaping life. This hits deep for me because I have a few friends who I lost to suicide. My roommate also struggles with depression and self-harm, so this topic is something that I can relate to in some aspects. If you are struggling with any of these emotions, thoughts, or feelings please do not be afraid to reach out for help. Remember you are never alone ❤
“Will you commit double suicide with me?” I ask breathlessly.
“I will,” Odessa replies without hesitation. I knew she would keep her promise. There was no doubt in my mind. I loved her just as much as she loved me. We were going to end it all here and now. No more waiting, no more changing our minds, it was finally going to happen. I was finally going to be free of my unloving alcoholic mother, and she was going to be free of her sadistic psychopathic parents. We were finally going to enter peaceful bliss. All of the planning, all the effort into sneaking my mom’s prescription pills, and all of the lying to Odessa’s parents was finally going to pay off.
I snub out my cigarette on the hood of Odessa’s forest green Honda Civic. The paint was slowly starting to peel off, so she didn’t care. The car had seen better days. I flick the cigarette butt into the grass to my left. The headphones around my neck creak as I lay back down next to Odessa. She has her lucky red flannel shirt buttoned all the way up to the neck. I don’t know why she does this, but she likes to wear it that way. She says it’s her “thing.” I don’t ask many questions I just listen. I’ve always been a good listener. Always did what my dad told me to when he was alive. He said the best way to win a person over was always to listen to them and what they had to say. So I always kept my head down and ears open in school. I never cared for many people until Odessa came along. She was quite like me, but the silence never bothered either of us.
The night breeze picks up a bit. I can feel goose bumps start to raise up on my bare arms. Maybe my black sleeveless Ramones t-shirt wasn’t the best choice for this evening’s occasion. I shake off the chill when I see the old playgrounds swing set start to sway from the wind. Its a little ways off from us but you can easily see it. It reminds me of the last real time I got to spend with my father. Emerson why the hell are you thinking of that now? Stop it! Nothing is going to change your mind. What’s done is done, and there is no going back. You have Odessa now, and that is all you need.
“What are you thinking about babe?” Odessa asks, turning on her left side, so she is looking at me. Her thick black framed glasses are giving her an innocent look. God, I loved this girl more than anything in the world, and she was all mine.
“I was just thinking about my dad for a second. Nothing to worry about.” I reply not letting my words falter. I don’t want her to know what my mind was thinking. That I wanted to keep locked up tight for no one else to see. I change the subject and ask, “How was today? The same shitty routine as usual?” I glance down at her hands; they are clenched as usual.
“No. It was dangerous this time Emerson. My dad flipped on my mom after she accused him of cheating on her again, but this time it was much, much worse. He shoved the kitchen table at her, stormed over to where she was sitting, grabbed her by her throat and threw her against the wall. I watched the whole thing from the staircase and didn’t know what to do. I have never seen him that angry before. His eyes looked like a wild animals just before they take down their prey. I was so scared.”
She is almost shaking as she tells me this. I reach down and grab her left hand. I clutch onto it tightly letting her feel my warmth. This seems to calm her down a bit. “Don’t worry baby. Soon we won’t have to worry about anything at all. We are going to be free.” I look into her golden brown eyes and see so much sadness, pain, and suffering. I just want to help her. No, I want to help both of us.
We sit there in silence for a bit just looking up at the stars. So vast and so pure that a tinge of jealousy courses through my veins. I wish I could be them right now because nothing can touch them. They are untouchable, and that is what stirs my jealousy. I want to be so far gone that no one can touch me. My mind is racing in a million different directions now. I think the coke I had done before we came here is starting to wear off. I don’t like this feeling; I don’t like it at all.
“That was the last straw for me Em. I can’t go back home, not after what I saw. I can’t do this anymore. The pain is too unbearable.” Odessa’s gaze is upon me now. I can tell she is done with this life. She seeks resolution that she isn’t getting at home. We all want answers but sometimes life doesn’t give them to us. I wish it was that simple but it isn’t. Life is complicated, and life is hard. I don’t know how people do it. Wait, I take that back I do know how people do it: drugs, alcohol, and more drugs. That’s how Odessa and I cope. Sometimes the coke doesn’t seem like enough though. It only masks the pain temporarily and temporarily isn’t a reliable solution.
“I know Des. You won’t have to worry about going back. I won’t let you, no fucking way would I let you go back to those monsters. They would have to kill me first before I let them take you away from me.” My palms are starting to sweat. The coke is almost out of my system. I need another bump or another cigarette. My anxiety is beginning to overwhelm me. I let go of Odessa’s hand so I can sit up. I find my cigarettes shoved in my right front pocket of my skinny jeans. I need to stop doing this my cigs always end up crushed. Odessa sits up and hands me a pink lighter from her flannel pocket. “Thanks, babe. You are a life saver.” I say with the cigarette between my lips. I flick the lighter and watch as a little yellow flame dances from the end. I tip the flame to the end of the cigarette and watch the paper burn. Smoke starts to billow around my face; the cig is good to go.
I smoke the thing in about three drags. My nerves are shot after talking about Odessa’s parents and thinking about my dead dad. I reach for another cigarette. As I am lighting it up, Odessa puts her chestnut brown hair into her signature ponytail. She does this mainly when she is stressed out. Guess everyone has their nervous ticks. Hers is putting her hair up, and mine is chain smoking. To each, his own is a saying I like to live by. Now my foot is starting to shake. I need another bump of coke, and I need it now.
“Do you want to do another bump?” I ask Odessa as I put the second cigarette out. She pushes up her glasses before responding, “Sure. I think it’s still in my purse. Let me go grab it.” Odessa slides off the hood and walks over to the passenger side door. I hear the door open but continue to look straight out in front of me. The park is empty, but I still have an uneasy feeling like maybe something isn’t quite right. I take my phone out of my left pants pocket and flip it open to check the time. The screen reads 12:24 am. I feel like we have been here forever, but it’s only been an hour or so.
I listen as Odessa fishes around in her purse for the coke. The anticipation is starting to make my nose twitch. I need to do a line. I need the feeling of numbness. “Here it is!” I hear Odessa chime out. “Thank God.” I manage out as I slide down the car hood to sit on the bumper. Odessa skips towards me baggie in one hand and car keys in the other. She hands me the baggie, and I almost tear the thing open. I’m so ravenous with it that it’s almost pathetic on how dependent I am. Odessa finds the Civic key and holds it out for me to take. The coke in my left hand just waiting for me to dip into it. I take the key from her, thanking her as I do, and plunge it into the white powder. I cultivate a pretty big bump and bring it to my right nostril. I huff the angel dust with a giant inhale. It burns the inside of my nose, but the hit is just what I need to block out the world.
After I finish my bump, I hand the baggie and keys over to Odessa. She does her bump while I rub my nose to dull the burning and the nasty drip at the back of my throat. That’s the one thing I hate about coke. It gives you a gnarly taste once you suck it up. I can see Odessa is starting to get the same thing. Her face is all scrunched up in the most adorable way. “You can do it baby,” I tell her with a bit of laughter mixed in my voice. She shakes her head a few times before finally looking at me. “God! That is the worst taste ever! I don’t know why we do this shit.” She tries to hand me the baggie again. I hold up my hand and say, “We have to save the rest for the suicide. I just needed a little to take the edge off. I already feel a lot better.” Odessa takes the car keys and shoves them in the back pocket of her jeans. She takes the baggie, seals it up, and puts it in her flannel breast pocket.
“Safe and sound.” She says as she joins me on the bumper.
“So what’s up with your mom? Does she even know where you are?” Odessa asks me as she crosses her ankles. I snort at her and reply, “That bitch is so fucked out her mind right now I don’t even think she knows where she is. I watched her down a whole bottle of Jack Daniels and popped like five Vicodin before I strolled through the front door. It’s not like I need her permission to do things. I can take care of myself. I have been for the last five years. That no good wench. She hasn’t been a mother to me since after dad died. She just lost it. Went and drove herself off the deep end. Real piece of work.” I know Odessa knows this already, but I just had to say something about it. I have so much hatred towards that woman that it spills out over the edges all the time. It’s like over filling an already full glass there is no point to it.
The night is starting to close in around us. I can hear trees rustling, frogs croaking in some nearby creek, an owl hoots, and the star filled sky is starting to become crisper. It’s as if the stars want to reach down and whisper their secrets right into my brain. Man this coke is good. I have never felt more alive and connected to my surroundings. This is the high that I wish I could feel all the time. This is the high that we should leave the world with. I wonder if Odessa is feeling the same thing.
I turn towards her and see she has an enormous smile across her angelic face. She feels the high just like me. This is the feeling of invincibility. No one can touch us right now and in some ways I finally feel like the stars. For a brief moment in time, we are beyond anyone’s grasp. I glide over to Odessa pressing my right side against her left. I just need to feel her body against mine. There is an undeniable magnetism between us, and I was always cherish that in this life. I will also cherish our bond in the next life as well. She has been my anchor over the last six months, and I can’t thank her enough for that. She has accepted me and my past without judgment just as I have done the same for her. We are two broken puzzle pieces mended back together by our love for one another. She is my beginning, and she is my end. She will always be my one true love.
Odessa places her hand in mine, interlocking our fingers. She then says in a low voice,
“I love you Emerson. I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. I know that’s crazy to think or even say, but that is the truth. You mean so much to me. You brought me out of the darkness when I didn’t think there was anything left so thank you for that. Thank you so very much.” Her hand tightens even more around mine. I turn to look at her, and she turns to look at me. We both smile and then I kiss her gently on the lips. This is a bittersweet moment for us. It is the end, but it is also the beginning of our freedom. It is the start of our new journey in the next life together.
After our embrace, I look Odessa dead in the eyes and say, “Are you ready for this baby? I hope so because there is no turning back now.” She smiles and says, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” I can’t help but laugh at her response. She starts to giggle as well. I think the coke might be making us delirious. “Alright I will get the pills from the glove box. Then we can go lay in the grass next to the roundabout and take them.” She nods her head in response. I untangle my hand from hers and head to the passenger’s side of the car. I fling open the door as quickly as I can and pull open the glove box. Inside the box is two bottles of oxycodone that I stole from my mom’s medicine cabinet. Should be the perfect prescription to commit double suicide with. I’m sure if we take enough of the pills and the rest of the coke our deaths should come quickly.
Odessa is waiting patiently for me as usual. I hold up the pill bottles and give them a small shake. The pills clink musically against the inside of the bottle. Odessa lets out a small giggle at this gesture. “Silly rabbit.” She says as she takes my free hand. We then make our way over to the roundabout. The grass is soft beneath our feet, almost like a sponge. I can’t help but push my feet deeper into the earth. This feeling is just so surreal. I am so high from the coke and yet so terribly happy. I wonder if it’s because I know the end is finally near or if it’s because I have Odessa by my side. It’s probably a little bit of both.
We reach the old metal roundabout. Odessa grabs onto one of the bars and gives it spin. The metal groans quite loudly. You can tell it hasn’t been used in a long time. This place is the perfect spot for us to die in peace. We sit in the grass and wait as the roundabout finally comes to a halt. “Do you think anyone will find us?” Odessa asks as she picks at the blades of grass.
I open one of the bottles caps and reply, “Are you kidding me? The Yreka Police suck at finding anything. I doubt they are going to find us way out here. Might be a few days.” I shake out about ten pills. I then reach for the other bottle. Odessa stops picking at the grass and reaches into her pocket for the coke. I shake ten pills out of the other bottle and hand them to Odessa. She hands me the coke baggie.
I do one-half of the cocaine while Odessa does the other half. We then swallow about five oxy’s and then take a break. I’m so fucking high on coke that it seems like the world is spinning more than usual. Odessa doesn’t look so good. She is pale, and her face is flushed. I’m starting to sweat pretty badly. Before we go any further, I have to tell Odessa something.
“Des, I want to tell you before we finish the rest of these pills that I love you. I know I don’t tell you enough but I do. I am so happy that I found you even if it was for a short period. You have brought so much happiness to my dark world, so thank you baby. Thank you so very much. I love you forever and always.”
I see a slight smile come across her face and then she says, “I love you forever and always Em.” Odessa and I swallow each remaining pill one by one until there is nothing left.